The first thing a baby learns is to see, move, and manipulate its parents. We absorb the ability to manage people with our mother’s milk. If loudly to shout — will feed you, if sweetly to agunot — kiss. Strategies evolve with age. Manipulation is natural. This is a method of survival among their own kind.
But there are people who have achieved perfection in manipulation. They manipulate how they breathe. For them, this method of communication ceases to be a means, and becomes the only channel of communication. Everyone suffers from this unhealthy behavior.
This newsletter will be useful for those who would like to break the vicious circle of “manipulator-victim” and make their relationships with others more healthy, harmonious and effective.
Manipulation is an illusion. You are a klutz, summoned from the hall under the bright rays of the spotlights. If the magician says you have a pigeon up your sleeve, so be it. The illusionist is your opponent. He’s always right and all in white. Whatever you did, he planned it.
Manager Alina for the second month asks Manager Masha to replace her in the store on weekends. Every time Masha wants to refuse, Alina tells about a difficult period in her life, a recent breakup with a guy and a sick cat.
If Mary is sharply refused, the next day, all the workers will condemn her for her “cruelty”.
If it is replaced again, it will be considered a rag.
Manipulation, like any focus, only works if you distract the viewer’s attention. Therefore, it is difficult to realize that you are being manipulated.
There is nothing dangerous about helping a colleague. But you need to stop in time, before you sit on the neck.
In the famous book “Games played by people”, the American psychiatrist Eric Byrne described three types of manipulators: the Victim, the Savior, and the Aggressor.
His student, Steven Karpman, combined these types into a triangle of relationships. Studies have shown that any person who succumbs to manipulation becomes one of the figures in this closed cycle.
The victim is suffering, the Savior is trying to help her. The victim needs more and more help and becomes the Aggressor. And the Savior turns into a Victim. If you let everything take its course, each member of the triangle turns into a manipulator.
There is a Stockholm syndrome-a condition when hostages begin to sympathize with terrorists. And those who suffer from manipulation can no longer exist without it.
Sleight of hand
Catching the manipulator on the ” hot ” is useless. Manipulation is based on a momentary illusion and leaves no evidence or witnesses. You can’t prove that the magician was bluffing, even if you catch him by the hand. You can dispel the magic only by determining how the focus works.
Any manipulation is parasitic on three principles:
— pseudo-logical connection,
— low self esteem,
— lack of evidence.
Incorrect logical chains were popular among speakers of Ancient Greece. The sophists — paid teachers of rhetoric — became famous because of confusing evidence where a separate abstract was not always associated with the findings.
A thief takes only good things. To strive for good is good. So stealing is a good thing.
We are used to seeing evidence followed by a conclusion, and individual examples create a General rule. Therefore, in complex reasoning, it is easy to miss the connection violation.
The manipulator uses it. The attention is dissipated, and we have not noticed from which sleeve the map appeared.
Pasha works in the advertising Department, Misha in the customer service Department. Pasha was assigned to make a presentation on sales of a new product. He calls Misha and says that Misha should send him a sales schedule and a chart of buyers by age, gender and place of residence — without this information, you can not develop advertising proposals.
Since the presentation is needed by the authorities tomorrow, Misha will have to put aside his business and do research. Misha will help Pasha, he did not notice that the reason is not related to the investigation.
The fact that there is no presentation without information does not mean that Misha should draw the diagram. Pasha can also do this using the data provided.
We successfully complete the missing logical connections ourselves. And we feel guilty if we don’t have time to do the work for others. We always have something to reproach ourselves with. And the manipulator uses it.
Projection-shifting your shortcomings to others. The manipulator blames us for everything. And we are ready to agree, because we do not give ourselves a descent.
The more closely you look inside yourself, the less you look around and do not notice the control from the outside.
Pathological liars often accuse their victims of lying.
Non-punctual people are the loudest about being late.
Bad employees have “inefficient bosses”.
“Terrible” colleagues are blamed for problems at work, not their own incompetence.
It is difficult to knock the ground out from under the feet of a confident person. So we need to make him doubt it.
Before an attack, manipulators often conduct a “love bombardment”. They praise you and idealize you until you take it for granted, and then they start noting only your mistakes. Not understanding what has changed, you start to dig in yourself and dig a hole yourself.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological violence that makes an opponent doubt the reality of what is happening.
The term appeared in 1944 after the release of the American film “Gaslight”. In the story, the heroine was driven to madness by the barely noticeable flickering of gas lamps.
“It seemed to you,” the source says. People really tend to make mistakes, to perceive reality subjectively. You really could only think that a colleague is playing against you. It is impossible to check whether you are wrong or not.
Manipulation most often occurs in words. Only your opponent knows the truth, and he claims that he is sinless.
Such people constantly check other people’s borders: they investigate how far they will be allowed to go. The more they get away with it, the more they attack.
If the victim manages to escape, the manipulator will use the “vacuum cleaner technique” – change the address and begin to cram in friends, make small gifts and by any means drag the victim back into the web of influence.
The wrong side of the trick
The task of the manipulator is to force you to make a favorable decision. Just as Voland taught Margarita never to ask for anything, so the manipulator wants to get what he wants, but not to give a specific order.
German psychologist Frederick Perls believed that manipulators act unconsciously: not trusting people, they try to control them.
Sociologist Erich Fromm called this the need for proven love — when loyalty needs to be constantly confirmed.
This does not mean that the manipulator occupies a leading position. To raise a white flag is to force an enemy ready for war to accept a truce.
If you notice that you are being persuaded to make a decision, ask politely about it directly.
If your opponent convinces you that you thought it, then there is an official reason not to adhere to this position.
You can save yourself from manipulation by reciprocal manipulation.
The manipulator needs something-pretend that you do not understand, and he will have to go to active actions that will give him away.
Agree, without specifying, repeat the polite refusal, “mirror” the enemy’s action. The main thing is not to overdo it and not to become a “monster” yourself.
Being a manipulator is bad. But not because this style of behavior is condemned by society. The manipulator loses touch with reality and does not know any other tactics for achieving the desired result.
Manipulation is impossible without fraud, lies, and the theater of a single actor. And it is very difficult to escape from this swamp.
According to American psychologist Abraham Maslow, the exact opposite of a manipulator is an actualizer.
This is a free, open and healthy person. It gets its way with “clean” methods and does not make people dependent.
Manipulators reasonably do not believe people. People are not intuitively ready to support the manipulator voluntarily.
The sins that manipulators parasitize — low self-esteem, insecurity-are equally relevant to themselves.
The manipulator lives in a state of constant war with the world. Being a manipulator is bad, because it is not profitable. The cost of managing people is much greater than the return itself.
Top hat, rabbit and magic wand
The art of manipulation, like the art of illusionists, has been perfected over the years.
Manipulation can be of different scales — you can change public opinion at the country level, you can manage suitors within the sandbox. There are many techniques.
The weapon against them is one: whatever tricks and tricks you are shown, be sure of your own position.
The method of social proof. They want to convince you that the correct answer is the answer of the majority. Abstract, weigh the pros and cons, and take responsibility for the decision.
Go to the person. The opponent encourages you not to believe your professional experience because of your appearance / personal status / character traits. Don’t react to pokes and politely return the conversation to the area of professional discussion.
The rule of reciprocal exchange. You are being given a small service that you didn’t ask for in order to make you a debtor. Accept the gift, but remember that you are helping the person feel like a lifeguard. So you’re even.
The Benjamin Franklin Method. You are asked for little help and disproportionately thanked, so that you feel like a benefactor and treat the petitioner leniently. Provide assistance free of charge. Patronage is a form of destructive pride.
Emotional explosion. You are taken out of emotional balance, and then forced to make decisions. Procrastinate and give an answer only when you are able to adequately measure risks and calculate losses.